lawyerbyday | Open Post

( his next spoonful hovered over the bowl rather than moving toward his lips, eventually being returned to the bowl as he sat back slightly. )

It's not fair to you if we don't. I. Know how that kinda thing can matter. And. And it's not like I don't. I mean, I know how I feel. Just. Just don't know if that. Fits? What you or anyone else expect.

I do feel welcome, anyway. I. You made this food for me, and. And I know you missed me. Bet you're trying real hard not to touch me a lot right now.

( he offered a sympathetic smile matt couldn't really see. )

'Boyfriend' always sounds juvenile at this age. But you're something to me. You're a big something. And I'm not, ah, looking for anyone else to fill the spot that's empty when you're not here. I'm only interested in you.

[There was a little dip in the pit of his stomach as he realized that he might not be enough for a man like Bucky, but that's one of the reasons to have this discussion.]

I don't need a ring, or for you to wear one. But... I won't lie and say that I haven't wanted to tell some of those curious parties that you're mine. Or taken. And yes, I'm making a very concerted effort not to touch you more than I have. You came here. You didn't go home. I'm good with that.

I appreciate it. ( he reached out to touch matt's knee gently. ) I really do. I know it's. It can probably be hard sometimes. Er. In both senses of the phrase, I guess, but. But it really does mean so much to me, how much you care about my comfort.

( withdrawing his hand, he scrubbed his face a bit before continuing, ) You're. So much I didn't expect. Something that. Surprised me, and. Overwhelmed me, and. God, you mean so much to me now, I. Can't even imagine a life without you in it in some way.

There's a greater part of me that's starting to feel comfortable with the idea. Being with a guy. Like in the proper way and not just. Well, trying to figure things out, which obviously we're already well past that stage anyway, but we didn't really talk about it either, so. So that's not something that feels strange anymore, but.

( he took a slow breath and sighed. )

God, I feel awful needing to say this, but I. We can't really. Do. The public thing. Because of what I do. It's. I'd be drawing an arrow on your doorstep for my enemies. And. And they're much more devastating and cruel than even the Kingpin.

[He felt the need to argue that bubbling up inside him, one of the reasons being a lawyer had come so naturally to him. His mouth opened and he had to clamp it shut, jaw flexing as he took a moment to take a breath.]

You're not going to believe me, but I don't care. I've had a target on me since I was nine. And frankly, I think it's a little delusional to think that anyone keeping tabs on you isn't going to figure it out, if they haven't already. And I'm okay with that. Kingpin isn't the worst out there, James. He's just... my cross to bear. My burden. I'm betting you have one or two of those.

[He sighed and reached for his wine.]

I'm not saying cutesy dinners out in public or going to the opera, but even a legitimately blind person would figure us out, Bucky. The only people who don't are the ones who don't want to.

Yeah, but I'm. I'm a public figure, too. Captain America's best friend. New and old, I guess, even if technically I'm not Sam's best friend, but who else is close enough to even compare?

You'd. Be the target of the public court of opinion. Which. I already really hate, so I barely show my face out unless it's business.

I. You don't need that either, as a lawyer. It. It doesn't help, having the wrong kind of attention in a courtroom.

( grunting gently, he scrubbed his face again. ) And that's not even getting into the crazy people that think Steve and I dated and were secret lovers for decades. Ugh.

Bucky... let me be concerned about how I appear to anyone publically. Please. I'm not ashamed to love you. Or be in love with you. Or be seen with you. And I know it's not shame for you, it's... adaptation.

[Another sip of his wine before he set his glass down.]

People are always going to think what they want. There needs to come a point where you stop caring and start living.

( taking another long breath, he sighed with some force. ) Yeah. I know. Just. I also. Never wanted to be. Someone. Something for the general public to scrutinize. I'm.

Well, it. Doesn't matter, I guess. It's. That can't be changed. So. I. Guess if you'd rather tell people, then. You should probably just do it.

( bucky shrunk back in his seat as he spoke, right hand finding the metal of his left arm to grip it anxiously. )

Bucky...

[He lifted his hands and rubbed at his face, glad he hadn't put his glasses on.]

I'm not going to bully you into this. I'm just... a lawyer. I'm arguing my case. And my wants don't supersede yours. You are who you are. And you can be alone because you're too scared to admit you can love or that you're worthy of it, or you can give a metallic middle finger to anyone giving you any kind of shit because you dared to find an iota of happiness. Whether it's a pet, a mate, or a hobby. This is the age of judgmentalism. I am vehemently glad I can't actually see tiktoks and snapchats and all that other shit that keeps people glued to their phones. Maybe it gives me a different perspective.

But I'm not taking an ad out in the paper over it. I just, weirdly and possessively, want to tell Chelsea that she doesn't stand a chance with you.

( the first breath was shallow, but the next returned with more force. ) Yeah, I. I get it. Just. Well. I'm not stupid enough to think I can hide everything for the people looking, obviously.

I'm as covert as I can be to prevent that anyway, try to keep my face out of the media so people don't recognize me at a glance, and I can just blend into a crowd whenever I need to. I already live with the expectation someone might find my apartment at any time, and I'll have to bail for elsewhere, so obviously that danger exists here too, me coming over at all.

But it's something I want to be able to control, too. Even if I know I can't really.

( he paused briefly to take the wine, drinking down a generous sip, that would do nothing to really help calm his nerves, but at least it tasted good and match nicely with the prepared meal. )

It makes me anxious. People knowing too much. It's. I'm not ashamed either, about it. With the right people, especially, like Foggy or Karen. Maybe Sam, if it comes to that. But how do we know people like Chelsea aren't gonna take it the wrong way and gossip maliciously? Find someone to tell just to hurt us cause she didn't get her way? And maybe it's not her. Maybe it's a friend she tells it to in passing that doesn't like it instead, does it on her behalf.

The way information spreads is the most difficult to control. And I don't want that in our lives. I don't want people knowing and bringing it up casually like they have a right to scrutinize a private relationship they're nowhere near. I. I love you so much, but we already have so much going on in our lives. We don't need any of that complicating things more.

If you think that anything between you and I is the only source of people gossiping maliciously about me, you'd be dead wrong. I'm a blind lawyer whose dad died after fixing a fight after a career of taking dives. I have a lot of my own source of bullshit that people can dig into if they want to be bitter. This? Us?

[He gestured between the two of them, drawing his hand back before he did something stupid, like reach out for the other man.]

Just because Chelsea isn't wagging her tongue doesn't mean others aren't. Do you know how many straight male platonic friends get written off as gay besties? Hell, you and Steve have had your share of that. There's no stopping that kind of thing. People talk.

Life, Bucky, is one of those things you can't control. I learned awhile ago that you can't control what other people do or say. Only what you do and say. Yes, I go out and beat the shit out of criminals at night. But it's up to them if they want to keep doing the thing that put them in a cast again or if they want to change their life. I can't make them do anything. Only do my best to persuade them to change. People who see you and who are attracted to you are going to either respect if you're involved or be jealous that it's not with them. Who you're with, or even if you're with anyone at all isn't going to stop someone who's an asshole from being an asshole.

( spoon left to rest in the bowl, bucky listened as matt answered, shared his own view of the same thing, a different angle of an inescapable problem. by the end, his lip was pinned anxiously by his teeth as his right hand found the inner metal joint acting as the mechanical elbow of his left arm.

quietly, with care annunciation, )

That doesn't make it better.

Maybe not, but you have to ask yourself, Bucky; are we ever going to be okay? Are you going to get to a point where you're comfortable with it? Do you need time? Or do you think your life is always going to be so dangerous that the idea of having someone in it is an automatic no?

[He hated that he was pushing, that he felt like he was. But he wanted Bucky to actually think about it. To ask himself if he'd ever be willing to be with someone publically. Male or female.]

( the grip against his arm tightened. it wasn't that he'd never thought about it, but the timing of it was just. difficult to protect. not with hydra still out there. not with people tangential to hydra or worse still doing business like nothing ever happened.

he was torn between duty, responsibility, and love. and there wasn't a real answer. none of the options satisfied all ends.

maybe he really wouldn't be enough for matt. not like this. )

It's not something I can negotiate. I can't just. Ignore all the obstacles and. And.

( taking an anxious breath, his head shook with resignation. )

I. I'm not. Fighting against it or trying to deny any of what I feel. But I can't determine any of the rest when it's not in my hands anyway. I don't. Know what you want me to say. I.

I'm sorry.

[Matt sat back, sighing. He closed his eyes and took a breath. Then another. His hands were on his thighs, smoothing over his pants before he tipped his head in Bucky's direction. He could hear the distress, feel that anxiety like a palpable thing, and he felt like an asshole.]

I'm sorry. Some kind of fucking welcome home this is. I missed you and now I'm jumping down your throat over... well. It doesn't matter. Please, just eat.

( it ached just as badly, seeing matt withdrawing. he couldn't give the right answers, and now it seemed like he didn't care when all he could think about half the time was trying to keep matt safe from what lay elsewhere.

why couldn't that part of his life just be over?

hesitantly, his grip against the vibranium slipped, fingers eventually finding matt's sleeve to tug gently. )

I love you, Matthew. More than anything. Please don't doubt that. Having you is. Is. It's everything.

[It was less withdrawing and more trying not to keep an argument going that he hadn't wanted to happen in the first place. This wasn't court. Bucky wasn't a jury or a judge, opposing counsel or a client. He was his lover. His partner. And he was reacting to the idea of losing him instead of enjoying that he was back. He was an idiot.

He felt the hand tug at his sleeve, his wrist turning so he could let his fingers slide up over Bucky's.]

I know. I love you too. I'm... reacting badly to the idea of someone trying to take a shot. I suppose since I'm your first, ah, male lover, I'm... just reacting poorly to the notion that you might miss women.

( he let his fingers thread between matt's, grip settling gently until it eased into an affectionate squeeze. )

Do you really think I'd leave you? At all?

A part of me says no. But there's a part that knows that we're only human and sex is... well.

[Sex was good. Sex with women was good- and different from sex with men. He knew his tastes enough to know that he'd be happy with Bucky, but he wasn't sure about Bucky's preferences or what he missed about sex with women. And sex was a big part of relationships. He'd seen plenty of them fail.

His hand squeezed Bucky's back.]

I missed you.

( watching for a little while, bucky nodded after a moment, agreement. )

I missed you so much. So. So much.

None of that had anything to do with sex, though.

( the fear matt faced seemed to clarify with his earlier words, and for bucky, there would be no way he would have let sex determine anything about it. he'd been so ready to leave sex behind altogether before that having it again was just as shocking as being wanted at all, for love or sex.

and in the end, even without the physicality, matthew cared, tried to understand. more than anyone else ever had. that along was worth more than anything anyone else could give. not to mention their disabilities also brought a shared sense of understanding, the way their humor aligned, their interests, their struggles. )

Even if we never had sex again, I. I wouldn't just leave you. I couldn't, for just that. It's. Unthinkable. To me.

I'd want you happy, you know. If...

[He moved, pushing back from the chair, moving to try to tug Bucky to his feet.]

If you did find that you wanted- preferred women. I'm your friend first, you know. I care about you. I love you. If you don't want to have sex again, that's okay too, but if you... you know. If you find that you don't like what we do, that's- I can live with that. But we'd be different. I think we'd have to be. But I have no plans of not being in your life, Bucky. Ever.

( slipping from his seat, the soldier stepped forward, withdrawing his hand from matt's grasp to pull matt into his arms instead. )

I want you here. So I'll hold you to it. You bring so much into my life I didn't have, and. Maybe it's for good reason others haven't been able too. It takes so much to even get half of what I feel some days, and I can't imagine you have it any easier, all the stuff you gotta juggle between court and. And the other stuff.

But I'm not afraid. And I'm not gonna change my mind about you just cause you've got a dick. Yeah, you're a guy, and I never expected I'd end up with one, ever, but I didn't expect a blind guy to understand me better than practically all the sighted people I know. And not only that, but to put up with all my bullshit and. And still care.

I'm sorry I'm not as experienced. Or as. Skilled. I. I know there's probably better out there than me too, for sex. Those things really aren't as important to me though. Fun, sure, and it's a hell of a time, but. But your heart is what I care the most about. Not your penis. Your penis can't change that anyway. So.

[He was struggling not to smile, because the way Bucky was putting things was so perfectly 'Bucky' that it just hit all the right places. The moment he said 'penis', Matt lost that fight, and he just started chuckling.

His arms were around Bucky at the same time the man had pulled him in, so he squeezed him as he shook his head.]

My penis is informing me that it's offended that it's considered a second class citizen in this relationship. But I know what you mean, Bucky. I'm... I get it. I know it's not about the sex- not for me anyway. But I try not to presume to know what's important to you. Or what isn't. And yet...

[He sighed, tipping his head a bit so that he could nudge against Bucky's cheek.]

I wind up doing just that.

( the nudge only made him press in further, wishing he could take away all these fears. matt had enough to deal with already. )

What can I do to help? Tell me. I don't want you suffering these things alone, feeling like I'd disappear like that.

Those are my demons I need to battle.

[He knew what they were in regards to. His father dying. Stick leaving. Elektra. But he still kept trying to find that connection, and when he did, some part of him was just waiting for that shoe to drop.]

Just point out when I'm being a dumbass so I can apologize and move past it?

If this is supposed to be one of those moments, then I couldn't. It wouldn't be considerate of what you've endured, why it's difficult to think past at all, and I don't want to make it okay for you to feel bad about reasonable fears coming from your past experiences. It'd be hypocritical, considering my own past, anyway.

I love you. I want that to be enough, right now. Can it be?

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